You’ve probably heard the word “attachment” before. But do you know which style is running your love life right now?
New research from Purdue University says most of us don’t. And that blind spot is costing us in our closest relationships.
Here’s what the science actually says, and what you can do about it.
What Is an Attachment Style?
An attachment style is a pattern. It’s the way you connect with the people closest to you.
These patterns don’t start in adulthood. They start in childhood, shaped by your earliest bonds with caregivers. However, adult relationships, especially painful ones, can deepen or shift those patterns over time.
Researchers recognize four main styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Most relationship science focuses on the first three.
What the Purdue Research Found
Dr. Susan South leads the Relationships and Mental Health Lab at Purdue University. Her team studied 100 newlywed couples, mostly in their late 20s and early 30s, all married less than a year.
Each person completed detailed surveys. Those surveys measured attachment style and relationship satisfaction.
The results were clear. Couples with secure attachment reported the highest satisfaction. Couples where both partners had anxious or avoidant styles reported the lowest.
Moreover, people who had insecure bonds with their parents were more likely to bring that same insecurity into their marriages.
Breaking Down the Three Styles
Secure attachment is the healthiest pattern. Securely attached people trust their partners. They feel comfortable with closeness and also comfortable being alone. Most importantly, they don’t read conflict as a sign the relationship is falling apart.
Anxious attachment looks like constant worry. If you have this style, you want deep connection, but you don’t quite trust that it will last. Instead, you may find yourself looking for proof that your partner is pulling away. Small things can feel like big threats.
Avoidant attachment looks like distance. People with this style often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They may shut down during hard conversations. Some avoidant people aren’t sure they even want a serious relationship at all.
Why Two Insecure People Struggle Most
The research found the most challenging dynamic is when both partners carry insecure attachment. One person desperately needs reassurance. The other keeps pulling back. As a result, both end up feeling unseen, unloved, and alone, even while technically together.
This doesn’t mean those relationships are doomed. However, they do require more intentional work, more honest communication, and often professional support.
Can You Actually Change Your Attachment Style?
Yes. That’s the part of this research that matters most.
Dr. South put it simply: “There’s a lid for every pot.”
A healthy, consistent relationship can help repair old wounds. Furthermore, therapy (whether individual or couples) is one of the most effective tools available.
The goal isn’t to become a different person. The goal is to understand why you respond the way you do, because awareness is where change begins.
What to Do With This Information
Start by getting curious, not critical. Ask yourself honestly: do you tend to worry your partner will leave? Do you tend to pull away when things get emotionally intense?
Neither pattern makes you broken. Both patterns have roots, and roots can shift.
If you and your partner keep having the same arguments, or if emotional closeness feels harder than it should, attachment style may be part of the picture.
Couples therapy gives both of you a space to understand those patterns together. Also, individual therapy helps you trace your own history before it shapes your future.
Resources
- Purdue Relationships and Mental Health Lab — Attachment Style Research
- Psychology Today — Find a Therapist in Georgia
- SAMHSA National Helpline — 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential mental health support)
Ready to understand your patterns and build something stronger? Connect with the Symmetricly team today.
