By now, most of the internet has seen the video.
Taylor Frankie Paul was days away from starring in The Bachelorette. Then everything changed. A 2023 video resurfaced, and it was hard to watch. In it, she throws barstools at her ex, Dakota Mortensen as their five-year-old daughter sits nearby on the couch. Unfortunately, the little girl gets struck.
Dakota can be heard saying: “Your daughter is sitting right there.”
ABC pulled the season within hours. However, the cancellation wasn’t the real story. Instead, what followed revealed something much deeper, a conversation our culture refuses to have.
What happens when she is the one causing the harm?
The Blind Spot We’ve Agreed Not to See
Most people think of domestic violence the same way. A man hurts a woman. That’s the story we always hear. And yes, that happens. It’s serious. It deserves attention.
But it’s not the only story.
Studies show that in more than half of violent relationships, both people are being aggressive. Even more surprising? In relationships where only one person is violent, women hurt men more often than men hurt women.
That’s not an opinion. That’s what the research says.
So why don’t we talk about it? Because men don’t report it. And when they do, people don’t believe them. Because we built a whole system to help one group and forgot about the other.
Think about Dakota. He pulled out his phone and started recording. He filmed it because he knew no one would believe him without proof.
That says everything.
Let’s Be Clear About Something
Talking about this doesn’t mean women don’t get hurt. They do. It doesn’t mean men are victims more often. They aren’t.
It simply means this, harm is harm. No matter who causes it.
Taylor has her own story. She has her own pain. Something happened in her life long before that video. However, feeling pain doesn’t make it okay to hurt someone else.
Both things can be true. She may be hurting inside. But, she also hurt him and, we can hold space for both.
What It Looks Like At Home
This kind of abuse usually doesn’t look like thrown chairs. Most of the time it’s much quieter. It’s easy to miss. Here’s what it often looks like in real relationships:
- He gets hit but brushes it off. She slaps or pushes him. He tells himself it’s not a big deal. As a result, it keeps happening and gets worse over time.
- She controls everything slowly. It starts small. Meanwhile, she cuts him off from friends, checks his phone, and tears him down. Before long, he doesn’t recognize himself.
- They both get physical, but only he gets blamed. Both people are aggressive. However, everyone assumes he’s the problem because he’s a man.
- He stays quiet. Not because it doesn’t hurt. But because he’s ashamed. Furthermore, he doesn’t think anyone will take him seriously.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline says 1 in 4 men experience physical violence from a partner. And unfortunately, most never ask for help. The shame is just too heavy.
If any of this sounds familiar, what you’re feeling is real. What’s happening to you has a name. Most importantly, you deserve help.
Can Couples Therapy Help?
If there is active violence happening right now, couples therapy is not the first step. Safety comes first. Always.
That means individual support. It means safety planning. Sometimes it means legal help too. Those steps have to come before sitting in a room together.
However, therapy works really well for couples who catch things early. You notice the arguments are getting worse. The line keeps moving. Something feels off but you can’t explain it.
Getting help early means more options. Waiting means fewer. That’s true for every couple — no matter who is causing the harm.
A Note To The Man Reading This
The news will move on from Taylor Frankie Paul quickly. But, the kids in that home won’t forget it. They carry it with them, long after the headlines stop.
Right now, somewhere, a man is sitting in pain. He saw this story. Furthermore, something about it hit close to home. He’s been telling himself it’s not that bad. He’s been making excuses. However, he’s been suffering alone.
This post is for him.
Help exists. Support is real. But most importantly, he is not alone.
Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call or text 1-800-799-7233, available 24/7
- The Hotline: Resources for Male Victims — Confidential support for men experiencing abuse
- Mayo Clinic: Domestic Violence Against Men — Signs, safety planning, and where to turn
- Symmetricly — If your relationship shows signs of escalating conflict, our clinicians are here
